Impatience, exasperation and a general “idginess” has set in on my chubby girl journey to healthy living.
While away last week my husband bought a new scale with wifi and all the bells and whistles to connect to apps and wearables. It seemed like a cool thing but I’m convinced it doesn’t work. Getting on the first time it read 149.4. In the past week its fluctuated between that and up to 153. I know weight changes a lot over from day to day. But something smelled fishy. So, I got on my old scale and it read 152. I’m not for a moment believing that the 149.4 number was ever real (could I really lose 5+ pounds in a week? don’t think so and so gullible). I’ve looked at my eating and activity and can’t imagine that I would gain 3-4 pounds. Instead, I’m taking back my old scale and sticking with it as it matched up better with my Weight Watchers weigh in today.
Which gets me to another dimension of my mood. I just don’t fit in there. I’m a bit religious about my regiment to get healthy right now. My issues are clearly not what our meeting leader has encountered or others in the group. I talk about my guilt eating bad food, getting on the treadmill to burn the guilt out, and getting on the scale everyday to shame myself into staying focused. I talk about the issue of being concerned about getting back to running and my former 5k times rather than if I can even get myself to even put in enough activity in a day. I am not worried about going out to eat with my girlfriends or what to do when I travel. I am motivated to be active. Getting to 10K steps is not a challenge for me. Yet, I feel like the members wish I would just shut up. The leader asked, “is this sustainable?” Well, it will have to be. My habits to date is what got me in this chubby state. What if I can’t eat pizza again? That would suck but if it is the difference between cholesterol levels over 230, sleep apnea, and eventually getting diabetes, pizza will have to go. To be honest, I’m really having to get back to what I was doing when I was healthy.
The last issue is that I stumbled across the bibs to some 5k races I was in almost 10 years ago. Times ranged between 27 and 28 minutes. Not bad really – pretty respectable. It also reminded me (and I was able to validate this on my old MapMyRun account) that I was running 5 times a week doing about 30 miles per week. However, it was another thing that got stuck in my head of how far I’ve slid and how far I still have to go.
Yes, I’ve made progress. Yes, the progress I’ve made is slow. That is how I went into this. Go slow, change bad habits. But, I feel like my old competitive type A self is kicking in and the progress is not enough. I want to be skinny now. I want to be running 5ks at respectable results now. I want to be focused on living more rather than having to continually track my points and calories. It just makes me want to scream and cry at the same time.
Utter frustration. Today is just a bad day. Thank you for listening to my wining. Wishing for tomorrow to come…